A Suicides Note
I’m sorry for the pain I’ll cause, but mine has got to end.
You may think me selfish that I have so easily given in.
Well, I’m sorry, but no one was really ever there.
No one to really ever talk with, to show they really cared.
If they were, all they really wanted to talk about,
was how they had all my troubles figured out.
How they knew the way I felt, as if me,
talking of future days and how better off they’d be.
Saying theirs were rougher than what we kids go through.
Saying we have a better education, more technology; that’s true.
But, the feel of social outcast and loneliness I felt,
can’t be helped with learning or some web-site on the net.
You’ll ask, why I couldn’t have opened up to you more.
Well, it was sort of hard that one time with the lock you had on your door.
HA! But it’s okay now I go to a much better place.
It may not be heaven, but at least I’ll be free of this craze.
I've wondered how to move forward. I always do, repercussions of overthinking and not acting. I wrote this poem when I was say 14 or 15. As the very angry teenager that I was I blamed the world. I did not necessarily embrace the idea of suicide, but I certainly didn't flinch from talking about it, obviously. I turned in this poem for a school assignment the result of which was a parent counselor meeting which I was requested to attend, and my happiness was put into question. I wasn't exactly overjoyed about life, but no one seemed to understand that this was my art, my expression. Though it may have been a cry for help no one wanted to encourage the exploration. Instead the concern was with getting through school and into what they considered a better environment.
I carried this mentality with me for sometime. Listening to others judge me not realizing the most powerful thing I had found was my words. I had no desire to sharpen my math skills or play the guitar with great ambition (though I do love music and I have made small efforts to learn chords). Even now, after moving out to California, it is still difficult to realize the potential of my words because of this and other things. People say I speak too much or my vocabulary is too vast while others state my view is to shallow and grammar is hit or miss. What they don't understand is that my words are everything to me even if they are not presented in the best light. I’m willing to work on this, I have always been willing to work on this.
I am now posting this poem because I want to challenge myself. Find the wisdom to find courage. I realize now I shouldn't hide my words, shouldn't listen to other humans who are just as lost as I am. I should allow myself to explore to push my boundaries and become more than I am. I want to embrace my differences and all that makes me unique.
So cheers to everyone that explores even the darkest recesses of their minds, and I hope you find your way to the light.
