You're Confusing Courage with Wisdom

A Suicides Note

I’m sorry for the pain I’ll cause, but mine has got to end.

You may think me selfish that I have so easily given in.

Well, I’m sorry, but no one was really ever there. 

No one to really ever talk with, to show they really cared.

If they were, all they really wanted to talk about,

was how they had all my troubles figured out.

How they knew the way I felt, as if me,

talking of future days and how better off they’d be.

Saying theirs were rougher than what we kids go through.

Saying we have a better education, more technology; that’s true.

But, the feel of social outcast and loneliness I felt,

can’t be helped with learning or some web-site on the net.

You’ll ask, why I couldn’t have opened up to you more.

Well, it was sort of hard that one time with the lock you had on your door.

HA! But it’s okay now I go to a much better place.

It may not be heaven, but at least I’ll be free of this craze.

I've wondered how to move forward. I always do, repercussions of overthinking and not acting. I wrote this poem when I was say 14 or 15. As the very angry teenager that I was I blamed the world. I did not necessarily embrace the idea of suicide, but I certainly didn't flinch from talking about it, obviously. I turned in this poem for a school assignment the result of which was a parent counselor meeting which I was requested to attend, and my happiness was put into question. I wasn't exactly overjoyed about life, but no one seemed to understand that this was my art, my expression. Though it may have been a cry for help no one wanted to encourage the exploration. Instead the concern was with getting through school and into what they considered a better environment.

I carried this mentality with me for sometime. Listening to others judge me not realizing the most powerful thing I had found was my words. I had no desire to sharpen my math skills or play the guitar with great ambition (though I do love music and I have made small efforts to learn chords). Even now, after moving out to California, it is still difficult to realize the potential of my words because of this and other things. People say I speak too much or my vocabulary is too vast while others state my view is to shallow and grammar is hit or miss. What they don't understand is that my words are everything to me even if they are not presented in the best light. I’m willing to work on this, I have always been willing to work on this.

I am now posting this poem because I want to challenge myself. Find the wisdom to find courage. I realize now I shouldn't hide my words, shouldn't listen to other humans who are just as lost as I am. I should allow myself to explore to push my boundaries and become more than I am. I want to embrace my differences and all that makes me unique.

So cheers to everyone that explores even the darkest recesses of their minds, and I hope you find your way to the light.

I chopped off my legs so that I may run

"Be courageous and write in a way that scares you a little." - Holley Gerth

"You fail only if you stop writing." - Ray Bradury

"The true fight I was not prepared for when it comes to my writing was the one with myself." - L

"The writer by nature is a dreamer... a conscious dreamer." - Carson Mcculler

Moving is a big deal. I suggest everyone do this once in his or her life; preferably before 30 and not to a college dorm just hours away from mom or dad. Don't just live in the same box. Move to a completely different box, come to an understanding of that box, and find yourself in that box. It's one thing to take a trip, that only lasts a short period, and return to the same box. Something I’ve been doing thinking that traveling was enough to expose myself to the world. It's not. To truly expand and experience life I had to disconnect myself from all the things I knew, and move into a new box. By doing this I’m slowly removing the walls and letting myself live free in the world. Daring to be bolder than I ever was before and all I had to do was chop my legs off. In other words, sacrifice safety and familiarity.

It hurt leaving friends behind, a love I felt I had been searching for all my life, and family that I’m not able to drive down the street to see on a regular basis.  Doubt, fear, and procrastination continued to plague me.  I constantly questioned if a move could really make a difference? It can, and it did. 

I chopped my legs off so I could run. I removed everything I had stood on before as my foundation. Everything I built leaving myself with only the bear essentials, and told myself I would have to succeed. I needed to become restless, lose my complacency. This was the experience I needed. I’m not saying everyone needs to move for this reason. Some people are naturally restless and take strides on their own, but seeing how someone else lives or how someone else views the world impacts your own approach to all things. For me, meeting and watching others going through the same struggle helped me to feel connected to the world. I realized I’m not alone in chasing my dreams. I’m not the only one who feels failure creeping at the door and pushes past it to reach for the gold ring dangling above. Somehow knowing deep down inside this is where I’m meant to be in my life

I have already been provided confirmation that I made the right choice. Now all I have to do is run with it…see where I go from here.

Orlando Pride, Orlando Strong

We are not welcome?

Well I say nay,

instead you are not welcome.

For I see in you

a hate I cannot heal.

And I will not waste one ounce of breath

in my short life

countering the distaste

you have for me.

Because I have way too much life to live,

and way too much love to give

to be swayed by your hate,

and your bigotry.

You could not imagine

the fear I have felt

living everyday as myself,

because unlike you embracing nerdom,

embracing myself comes

with a death sentence.

Fuck you and your politics

this is my life that you're playing with,

and if I don't meet your expectations,

then I am not of this nation

and therefore expendable.

Fuck me?

No,

fuck you,

and all the hoops I'm going through

just so I can please you.

What about my joy

and happy ending?

Well that doesn't matter

for it is a figment of my imagination

because this nation

does

not

stand

up

for

me.

Instead it waits for some tragedy

to it's raise voice against animosity.

And until that time comes I die silently.

Barely a whisper in the newspaper heading

and what then?

A few spotlights on lost souls

with a death count that should have already taken toll.

Because while others died for drugs,

others like me died only for love.

The most innocent emotion known to man,

and it is something I'm denied

again,

and again.

Don't ever think me out of place

for being angry,

for you have lived your life,

but never as me.

And I will continue my optimistic endeavor

that in time

we will see eye to eye.

Until then remember,

you are not welcomed.

*Photo credit to Madam Muse. Follow on Instagram at iam.muse.

I'm an emotional writer. I'm doing my best to present something as intangible emotions in words that convey the idea. It is not always clear, but it is fueled by an energy that is meant to be felt. This piece is not to everyone. It's for those that think of the LGBTQ community as less than nothing. Expendable lives to help press their agenda of fear and intolerance. That is something I can't tolerate; Treating another human life as if it is nothing when we should all be cherished. People try to tolerate or understand why some are who they are instead and pushing against that. Why when we all have fought through so much to just exist? For now we must continue to fight to live because of who we love.

Characters are FUN-damental

For me, there is nothing like a good character to tell a story. Sure a great plot can be rewarding, but my favorite interactions as a reader are with books that have a strong protagonist and antagonist: how they interact, what sets them apart, what makes them similar. It's like watching a beautiful dance as they met and separate and meet again. Sometimes the protagonist's antagonist can be the protagonist themself, the main character's conflict with who they are and who they want to be. My reflection on characterization came up because; as I adjust to living in Los Angeles I realize the importance of development. How it can help the reader to bond with the character, when you know what someone has been through or their thought process you want to cheer or jeer. If I can't give you something to love or hate how can you justify investing time in my reading. I prefer that the characters struggle to achieve a goal, and the setbacks they may encounter,  drive the plot rather than some convenient object that just solves all of the issues. This doesn’t mean I won’t use a dues ex machine in future writing.

One recent example I find a bit lacking in character is Alexander Luthor Jr. in the Batman V.S. Superman movie. So far the DC movies have been good with building their main characters through these newer launches. I enjoy Bane's dedication and purpose in The Dark Knight Rises and Superman's genuine humanity in the recent Man of Steel. Even the darker more sinister Joker in The Dark Knight has a character you can connect with: I will destroy your sense of morality and civilization. On the other hand, Lexy Jr. is portrayed as a twitchy psychopath whose dad issues manifest into an atheist view of the world. Done. With Lex Jr.  being a less known character to me  it would have been nice to better understand him, but I can't connect to him. I won't fault the writers because it is easy to have an opinion, but I know I wasn't invested. Lex Jr. comes across as more plot than character. He is a convenient means of bringing about the meeting of the two titans, creating Doomsday, an introduction to other Justice League characters, and a referencing point for the harbinger of doom yet to come, Darkseid. That’s all he really does. I spent no time with him. It would have almost been better to use a more obscure character to bring in Doomsday. Now with the Joker, there were many scenes to prove he was a character. One example is the explanation of why he uses a knife (found here) or the brief and accurate description provided by Alfred (here) There are so many more scenes like this explaining the Joker's view of the world and his thoughts of people. Lex didn’t really have this opportunity. It isn't terrible, but I'm not impressed. I know some enjoy a plot driven story, and to each his own, but sometimes that can leave the characters too shallow.  I do like when there is a balance though and plot with good characters brings it all home. Exhibit A, (one of my favorite shows to analyze) Game of Thrones or to some A Song of Fire and Ice series.

Now I have only read the first book (with plans to read the rest later) so this is based mainly on the TV series. There are actually two plots that this series has been leading up to in my opinion (this is only opinion). The first is, what kind of destruction will the approaching winter and eventual arrival of the white walkers bring to the people of Westeros? The second, what we all want to know in the end, who will seat the iron throne? In attempts to answer these questions what I like is you really get to see the characters George R.R. Martin created. My heart just about broke when I saw Lady Catherine go down in a magnificent display of motherly love. This is only a small spoiler, so if you haven’t seen the episode, it is so much MORE when you actually get to watch the series. By the time this happens, however, you know Catherine Stark is not some dainty "oh I’ll wait for all the men to do it" type of woman. She will cut down anyone for her children.

In the end, I’m a character fan. What the person stands for and what they can achieve on that mindset alone speaks volumes. Some characters can be such spectacular failure and make such awful choices, but I must still applaud their efforts. You tried Robb, and for that I thank you.

**07-2-2016: I have now watched the entirety of the movie 3 times including the ultimate edition as of today. I have found that the editing for the ultimate edition to be far more enjoyable and gives more depth to Lex Jr's character. I appreciate that he plays this like a chess game and you understand better how he pits Superman against Batman. For that I thank you Zack Snyder.

What I still don't understand is Flash visiting Batman in a dream or not? Batman waking up then waking up again is still a mystery I want to solve. If someone has a better understanding of this scene please share.

An Ode to the Shape of Venus

I'm watching the delicious curve in her back. Even with clothes on the sight of her hips and behind meeting together with the small of her back makes my jaw drop. I study her lower body as it curves to meet her torso and I have to catch myself because my mind races with inappropriate thoughts. I simply want to grab her body and caress each part. I think twice of it because it would only objectify her to my own dark twisted fantasies yet the thoughts unravel from my mind like silk ribbons. I envision her bent over in front of me- arms outstretched in front of her as her head lies parallel between her hands. Her waist raised towards me causing her ass to sit high yearning to be touched. Her hips are alluring, and I reach out to explore her soft yet firm features and a wave of excitement washes over me. My hands now have a mind of their own as they caress her, running down the small of her back. I step forward bringing my own hips close and…




There is something about the female shape that I will always love even more so when curves are involved. Now there is nothing wrong with a small frame. I've seen skinny girls with curves too or those girls without curves at all still rocking a tight little body. When placed against a voluptuous woman however, it's like a comparison of plains to valleys and hills for me.




It used to be I really never understood the anatomy of a woman. Yes, I am one myself, but growing up estranged from the idea of being male or female I never really paid close attention to the physical disparities between the two. Even when I came into my own and arrived at a peaceful point with myself sexually I would avert my eyes from the female physique because internally there was still something taboo to me about sizing up a woman's physical potential. So despite my newfound acceptance I never fully appreciated what women were able to offer physically. Then, boom, just like that I grew up.

My eyes opened to the beauty that is the full figured female. Now, there is this idea that when fat is gained it is always sloppy, disproportioned, and unappealing. This is not always the case because there are some women that when you look at them you can tell the food went to all the right places. From a larger chest to a rounder behind to the broader hips the visage of a fuller woman is something that is worth appreciating. I have to admit at times I can find myself mentally salivating over what is termed a "thick" girl as I watch her hips and thighs move in a motion that is just mesmerizing.




Now this is not to say my attraction to a person is purely physical, but let's just be honest that is really where we all start. Even in our writing the more attractive look for a female character is that of a small dainty figure. Large women are largely denied, but they are not only one's lacking a presence in literature and film. An overly muscular female protagonist is something not often seen (I can't think of one at all actually) and I have encountered some extremely alluring fit females. It's unfortunate that you rarely see the variety in feminine characters that praise these specific body types. We all associate a woman character with soft supple skin, not bulging biceps. A book I recently acquired, Juliet Takes A Breath, has the protagonist describing her "round, brown ass" while writing to her favorite author. This is just the opening to the book and it is so boldly stated that I can only imagine the character's development throughout the story. I can't wait to read more.




Until next time, bottoms up ladies.

Playing Devil's Advocate

Ok so I’m overthinking this but it’s what I do, overthink. Now I thought randomly to myself how our views of the world make us see things from such different perspectives. It gets to a point where one person can see something so optimistically while the other has pessimistic thoughts regarding the same subject. I get it, it’s called opinion, but the sheer spectrum of how different opinions are says a lot about humans in general.

Exhibit A put up for discussion “Part of Your World” as sung in the Little Mermaid. So I will be discussing this song in two parts: myself with an optimistic mindset and of course myself as the other (bet you saw that coming). 

This is just a little random fun to prove a point. My mind went to both as I listened to a recent rendition of the song and I just kind of chuckled to myself. I am choosing to focus on specific lyrics that sparked this moment and those words are as follows: 

“Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? / Wouldn’t you think my collections complete?”

…

“I got whozits and whatzits galore / You want thingamabobs? I got twenty. / But who cares? No big deal, I want more!”

So now I will proceed to break down the way in which one part of me translated the song and how the other counters. Nothing special here except trying to create concise arguments. In a sense it is good practice for characters because the question is: can I express their disagreement clearly in so many words? Well the limit is set at 100 per viewpoint so let’s go!

OPTIMIST: These lyrics show that the individual is looking to reach another level of success. Whether that be financially, with a career, or with herself, she realizes she is not at the end of her possibilities. The strength of these words indicates that she is prepared to fight and do better than her current situation. This song says so much about how we look at our condition and continue to find hope in tomorrow, never settling. She questions these possessions and “want[s] more” because why would you accept the sky when you can reach for the stars?

PESSIMIST: Greed is one of the seven deadly sins. Instead of feeling content and happy that she has been provided so much she looks for more. This mindset is that of an unappreciative person and with her lack of a thank you and the statement “no big deal” she illustrates this point well. She does not see what she can do with the items already provided. Instead she seeks to gain more: more control, more possessions, more attention. By putting herself in a state of unrest she proves that no matter what others provide she will not be satisfied.

So, which side would you choose?

* This entire “debate” is a result of watching the video of one little girl singing this very dear childhood song. You can find the link for her video below, Enjoy!

To: Auntie Betty

Dear Auntie Betty,

Funny, I have always seen it spelled with a "Y". Elizabeth, in your name I find part of my own. I wonder if your mother, when she named me, saw a little bit of you in me and couldn't help herself. Subliminally she decided we would be connected and chose a name that was similar yet unique for both of us.

I am here now, in your state, trying to make a name. I consider how close we could have been. How much of an influence you could be in my life. If only our family was more closely knit. You could have explained to me the process required to register my car in California or the steps to ship it to this state. I guess I figured things out but why, when I had access to all your wisdom, did I have to struggle? Instead of inquiring I dove like a gold medal Olympian right into the mistakes and missteps I tried to avoid.

I bet you know a lot about the woes of love that I encountered in my life. You could have kept me from the pitfalls by reinforcing how beautiful I was as a child and tell me about how far I would be able to go once I set everyone else behind me and focused on my own worth. I still remember how you made me consider everyone else's worth and made sure that I tipped my waiter or waitress well. You would laugh to see how everyone looks at me strangely when I over tip no matter how bad the service.

I remember there was a day in Jacksonville where Mom, Ebony, and I went to a restaurant and even after the terrible service - waitress must have had a really bad day - and despite what Mom and Ebony stated I tipped $20. We prepared to leave and you wouldn't believe the appreciation on the waitresses face as she made sure to stop us as we were leaving and thank us. I smiled and nodded recalling your words that summer in 2009 as we sat at the pizza location in St. Thomas; they work hard for their money and live off of tips, make sure you pay well.

I will always be unhappy that I never connected more with my roots. That even "home" feels foreign to me. You provided me one of the rare moments where I felt grounded and rooted before the clouds reclaimed me and I was again daydreaming with beautiful rainbows and unicorns around me. This is my thank you because you truly impacted me more than you may ever know.

Love,

Lizann

Late Inspiration

So I'm being a bleeding heart again. It's early morning in Cali and I just dreamed up this little piece. This is only the first draft written in 45 minutes but something that I enjoyed and will revise later:

Sharing is not caring.

Nor the calls from your secret lover at 4 am.

Or the way you dismissed us so casually

Yet claimed how you fought for me.

But truth is, you wanted our end more than me

because the walls of your mind had become so thin,

I could hear each thought creeping in.

Just as you crept into our bed

during those late night hours.

And I'm thinking my heart can't suffer more,

but I was wrong on that too

when she won the prize and got you

while I dealt with a cancelled dinner for two.

Here I was being stupid enough 

To try and hang on thinking I could swing the vote

Little did I know elections were a year ago.

And you said we had chance, needed time.

And I believed that same tired line

For years.

Don't bother apologizing

you've convinced me of my fears,

that there are people selfish enough to do as you've done.

But what's your life without YOLO and a little fun.

Friends perceived a bad start

but even tin has more heart

than what you put in.

Just admit you were always unsure

Because even then I was sharing you with her.

Horns Dance Beneath the Full Moon

“Men have killed for love, gone to war for it, and altered the very view of the world for years to come. Why should I not build a career on love, it is a great and effective tool.”

As I continue my journey, now in the state of California, several things come to mind. The freedom of this state is one that I am coming to enjoy on several levels. Not in the sense that I am free to roam (still getting settled unfortunately) but instead I speak of freedom from the weights and chains that I allowed to hold me back. I consider the opportunity to explore new cultures, new food, new terrain as well as exploring a new understanding of love for myself.

I have had an opportunity to delve deeper in to the depths of my own psyche and test the very word. From continued observation of heterosexuals to enjoying the developing understanding of pansexuals I let simmer and marinate a new recipe of love as I view the world from a new vantage point. How can I express the very thing that gives me life? How can I reinvent the thing some have grown weary of seeing due to overexposure? Even more challenging can I do this with my own words effectively and without restraint exploring the worlds of BDSM until I am satisfied or the effects of true love from a skewed perspective. I seek words that speak of sensuality that will makes your skin crawl with longing. Words that will create a burning dislike yet calm understanding of a character. I want to create moments that go beyond the death of star-crossed lovers. Can I do this. The answer is yes. I can with time learn what is necessary. 

When my day arrives I will bleed for love a color so pure that I will put to shame the reddest of roses on Valentine’s Day. It is a desire I wish to unleash upon the world, my interest in love. I intend to take this emotion far beyond the simple romanticizing of dinner by candlelight. I believe in a love so pure that the ideal couple spends everyday trying to outdo the fantasy of their partner in both small and grand gestures. It’s funny to think that some will not understand what I’m trying to express. I cannot imagine one’s life passing without the longing or feeling of this intense sentiment. A need for balance so strong that it is in the storm of your love that you find your calm. This love is displayed splendidly in Game of Thrones between Khaleesi and Drogo. It is not the only one that hints at what I am attempting to display but it is one of my favorites. They start as strangers yet she becomes his compassion and he becomes her strength. In the end he needs her as much as she needs him:

“You are the moon of my life,

that’s all I know

and all I need to know.

And if this is a dream

I will kill the man who tries to wake me….”  - Drogo (Season 2 Episode 10)