New Short Story

"Lucille" is an afrofuturistic short story. It is a current project I'm working on that can no longer hide in the dark. It involves a young black woman confronting an Artificial Intelligent robot in a time where humans are scarce. The presence of one, especially one with Lucille's specific abilities, is not only intriguing, but also astounding to the AI Evan. She could be part of a change to come, but first he has to decide, will he help her or turn her into the scythers searching for her?

Update, 07/26/2020: As I take time to address my writing and best ways to help my career I've decided to consolidate. This short story can be found in full on a future post. It was added slowly to my Tumblr at one point, but in attempts to streamline everything it will be available here.

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/experimentalwordsbyl

John Inspired Me

There are a great many music artists that I've fallen in love with, some for a specific time and some for a lifetime. I haven't quite figured out where John Mayer himself sits for me but his albums Room for Squares, Heavier Things, Continuum and Battle Studies are ones that will constantly be a part of the soundtrack to my life. So much so that at one point I dedicated two poems to his music interpreted in my own way. I share them now because it does not good to keep them to myself. So here are the recently updated versions of my own classics, please enjoy.

Ode to John Mayer I (life)

“Do You Know Me”is the question at hand 

cause I believe I’ve found who I think I am,

but I didn’t realize the stranger I’d become,

until I knew how it felt to be known by no one.

Internalizing my wrongs I feel the weight.

This “Gravity”takes a hold with no escape.

Thought I’d found my way by now

but I feel it pull me down.

Chains of manipulation, our only links

while anger and pain make me overthink.

Losing you to my own fears.

When will we learn no one wins in “Heartbreak Warfare.”

When it gets to be too much or I want change

I’ll stay like him, stoned in my home all-alone.

“Who Says”I can’t, my time is mine,

sometimes the world puts too much on my mind.

At other times I ask myself why we even try

cause “All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye”

to friends to family to yesterday

to life when I thought I’d just found my way.

Makes me want to yell conductor “Stop This Train” !

Cause life is moving forward once again

and I’m not ready to grow

all my wisdom’s just for show.

Some people say life is a bitch then you die.

Sometimes you have to find the faith to fight.

Despite it all I feel “The Heart of Life”must be good

things just don’t go the way they always should.

Ode to John Mayer II (heartbreak)

No matter what I do

It seems to always go “Back to You”

Parties and nights out, I’m living in a haze

you’re a reminder of my shallow ways.

We’re happily “Slow Dancing in a Burning Room”

while our love plays out of tune.

Because we can’t seem to let go,

because it would hurt to let you go.

But through his eyes I realize a few things

You and me could only be “Friend, Lovers, or Nothing”.

No halfway point on which to teeter

no future in which I’m vowed to her.

I could replace you with a “City Love”.

Maybe call her Lydia.

In the end I was never meant to stay long.

So I finally left. I could never right my wrongs.

Ode to John Mayer III (love)

You’re still angry I can hear it in your pacing.

Go to look for you and see it in your face then.

But I’m not ready for you to leave, let’s hit redo

“Come Back to Bed”, pray tomorrow brings something new.

It’s just that the price is way too high to pay

the decision to give you all of me.

Can’t let my guard down and to let you in.

 “I Don’t Trust Myself (With Loving You)”in the end.

Felt like my love never meant much,

a cold reflection of her ardent touch.

Finally, I learned my lesson

a wake up call from an “Assassin”.

Now I have no one and life has me down

“In Repair”from this moment on.

Looking to find who I can be

for someone other than me.

Cause I‘ve never felt pain as I do.

Now like him “I’m Gonna Find Another You”.

And I’ll be better, sweeter, and kind

all in hopes that I can take you off my mind.

Cause the long nights alone are too much to bear.

Craving for you to be there.

And his words speak; he knows how I loved her.

How I was on “The Edge of Desire”about to fall over.

For the Love of Diamond

The story I'm submitting today is a sign of never giving up. I have submitted this story before to other things. It wasn't until recently that it allowed me the opportunity to perform in the first upcoming Lambda LitFest. It's terrible to look for validation but sometimes we need the universe to tell us we're doing something right. This comes in the form of awards and acknowledgment in our chosen craft. This is only the tip of the iceberg and I'm truly excited for the opportunity. I haven't figured out everything yet but I know by just moving forward I'm doing what I need to do.

For now I would like you to enjoy the following story that won me my spot at the Lambda LitFest titled For the Love of Diamond. The full story can be found here.

At this point I’m barely standing as fatigue starts to take hold. Diamond’s set should be done by now, she’ll be looking for me. She won’t find me inside though. Instead I’m outside in the cold concrete parking lot with my arms hanging uselessly at my side as Alec pins me to the fence about thirty or so feet from the strip club expressing his great displeasure with me dating his ex-girlfriend. Right now he wants to know why I’m with her.

The words slip from my mouth without a thought. "It's her eyes.”

Alec holds a fistful of my shirt ignoring any qualms people normally have about personal space.  At least his breath is not overwhelming making me thankful that a toothbrush is part of his daily hygiene. The fact, however, that I can hardly breathe as he keeps me in a strangle-hold makes it a moot point. I can barely fill my lungs let alone inhale any alcoholic fumes that might be escaping from his mouth as he screams into my face."What did you say?" The anger in Alec's voice physically manifests itself in the bulge that is his beefy sportsman neck where the veins appear like a latticework of chaotic crossroads. Alec isn’t playing football anymore but he still keeps a jock physique.

I manage to gasp the words again. "H-her eyes." I’ve given him what I think is a legitimate, and might I add truthful, answer. I can tell it isn't to his satisfaction when I feel him slam me repeatedly against the fence causing the metal to pinch my back painfully. I look ruefully past Alec to my jacket lying on the ground wishing to be in it right now. We’ve been at this for some time now and it would be useful in not only absorbing some of this impact but also keeping me warm. 

            "Bullshit, her eyes? You leave all the way from campus to come here for her eyes?” He turns his head to the side and spits then refocuses his rage back towards me. 

So Much to Live For

As amazing as it feels to be self-published I fight now to keep my baby afloat, and I won't stop there. I want a publishing company to pick me up eventually. I have amazing book ideas for days, but it is stressful trying to manage every aspect of the book from beginning to end. I need help. For now I'm struggling and learning how to make my book accessible, visible, and overall put out the best product I can under the circumstances. Meanwhile, I continue writing.

My next book is still underway. Some of you knew it as Stories of L, but I'm revamping it and shifting a few things to make it a full novel and not just a novella. I want this to be a series which includes a universe of characters that interact. All lesbian, all of color, and all seeking different levels of love while still trying to pursue there lives. With that the title will be changed to ...And Then There's Love. This will reflect the idea that we all have things were chasing, dreams that are still on our agenda, but then love comes along and we have to see if we're truly ready for it. Whether that is having love already and recognizing that person, finding love for the first time, or finding love all over again. I plan to represent the LGBTQ community and especially those of color in my writing in such a way that we are given more depth and better representation. We don't always love perfectly, and sometimes we love too much. I want to show all those sides.

My current book of poetry and first published book is available at Amazon under I Never Knew How to Tell Her. I will be continuing my poetic exploration with a new title that will reflect more of life in general rather than a focus on love. This will be more of a journey into self-love and hope. A brief sample of a poem in the works is available below, enjoy.

I look at the marks on my skin
how they stretch.
I wonder if this is why I don't love me?
Or was the love misplaced
in the days where I ate with no end in sight
resulting in my scarring.
A representation of how I fought myself
and my hate inside.
Even now as I shrink in size,
growing broader in mind,
my body is still marked by landmines.
Sagging skin no longer holds tight
and I live with signs of my war.
Will she still love me?

Book Release 7/7 @ 7 PST

If you know me this has been a slow and steady process. Trying to decide how to approach this final destination has been no easy task. It's difficult even now to comprehend that I have arrived at this destination but lo and behold, here I am. This Saturday, on the 7th month of this year, 7 days before my own birthday I will be releasing my first book on the 7th day at 7 Pacific Standard Time.

It's exciting as a lesbian author to know I can be another voice out there bringing out those words that could help others understand they are not in this alone. I'm excited as well because I will be bearing a lot of my chest open as I have used my own life to create these miniature stories. I made them with love and passion, and share them in the same way. Every step I have made was meant for this, but I won't stop here. Book two, somewhat inspired by the idea of The L Word series (lesbian centered stories intertwining basically) will be my next project. The ball is rolling so it's my job to keep it going until I hit a snow ball effect. Now for some anticipation builder...

If You Write It....

One of my favorite poems to date that I have written is called "Her Love Mix-tape". It combines the idea of rhyme scheme with enjambment, and strong concrete images to an obvious emotion. It's not long. I never really like my poetry to be very long. Truly, I want my writing to be described in three words: descriptive, concise, and intense. They tell you the best thing you will find on your journey as a writer is your voice. I hope mines is loud and clear without lengthy explanations yet does something to stir the soul. I will be looking for publishers for this book, as well as others in the works, and look forward to sharing along the way.

I wish everyone the best on their own creative journeys, and, here you go from my poetry book to you:

Her Love Mix-tape

Our love was old school.

Founded in 90’s R&B

songs I can’t remember the words to.

Maybe that’s why I forgot how to hold you?

Or how to kiss you so sweetly

that it tasted like

Moscato poured from my lips.

I should have recalled

those treasured songs

found long ago.

Gems that kept me in touch

with my neo-soul.

Same tunes that taught me

how to make love to you

by the moon’s light.

Instead, I failed you

and in turn, failed myself.

And when the music ended

there was nothing left

because I didn’t swim deep enough

to anchor our love

against the quiet storm

that brewed violently inside you.

Thrashing against your mind,

like your fists against my chest

as you hoped to beat the love into me,

but you couldn’t.

And I can’t remember our song.

Failure is on the Horizon

I'm moving into a year of growing focus. Failure is more likely than success. JK Rowling was rejected twelve times before she finally found a publisher willing to accept Harry Potter. I'm hoping my odds are better, but because I'm going for very niche writing, it's unlikely. I want to see the lesbian and gay characters grow in abundance. Not as side characters, but as main characters reflecting journeys I've heard, and even experienced myself. There is such a need to explore more than what has been previously produced where characters have just a hint of queerness or they like to dabble in that area. I want full blown weirdness on the fantasy/sci-fi realm with some sensuality exploring things in a way that it will go mainstream. More on this later, but we will see how things continue with poetry and poetry book submissions for now.